What I want my children to know about marriage

I first want to state that I grew up in a religious home with two religious parents. The idea that marriage was between a man and a woman was not something I really thought about, that was simply what marriage was. I didn’t have friends with two mothers, or two fathers, most of my friends parents were still married to each other, and the one friend with divorced parents was definitely the odd girl out. I loved her completely, she was in fact my best friend, but I didn’t understand her lifestyle and if I’m being perfectly honest, I felt equally bad for her and jealous.  Jealous because she got to go on all these fun outings with her mom’s boyfriend and also her dad. Sometimes I even got to tag along and was a first hand witness to the time, money, and attention that was lavished on her in those little spurts of time spent together. But also bad for her too, my dad represented safety to me. She didn’t have that person to beat up the bad guys and make the scary monsters go away. I didn’t have that all the time either. My dad traveled a lot for his job and I never felt as safe when he was out of town. I could easily imagine how my friend felt all of the time, never having her dad there.

I led a very sheltered life in most regards. I was never once offered drugs or alcohol in high school, something I can’t even imagine in this day and age. I didn’t know anyone who wanted to change his or her gender or who was gay, again completely unheard of now. My own children are very aware of people with same sex attraction, girls who want to be boys, and boys who identify as girls. When I was younger, these beliefs were not accepted readily and there was fear of letting people know. I’m glad that times have changed in that regard, we should be able to speak our beliefs.

It wasn’t until I was an adult that my sister came out, first to my husband, and then to me that she was in a relationship with another woman. I love my sister dearly and want her to be as happy as she can possibly be. I don’t judge her or try to change her, but I do see that things are harder for her. Marriage isn’t easy in any sense of the word, but as she shared things about her relationship and the struggles she had, I could see that hers was the harder road. I felt at times that if she could, she would change places with me, and that she wanted the relationship I shared with my husband. She told me that she wished she could just find a guy like my husband, but worried that he wouldn’t be interested in her because of her past lifestyle choices. 

I’m grateful that my sister lives in a world where she can express her beliefs without fear for her safety, people may judge her and feel that her beliefs are wrong but times have changed. Unfortunately I feel that times have changed for those of us who feel that marriage is ordained of God and should be between a man and a woman. I’m scared to write this post, I’m scared that people will read it and think I don’t accept people, and that I want to change people.

I love my children and my children can’t do anything to make me not love them. I wouldn’t stop loving any of them if they decided to be in a marriage with someone of their same sex, just as I still love my sister and will defend her to the end. I’ve seen both sides though, I know what strengths my husband brings to our marriage and what strengths I bring. Those strengths are different because our natures are different. He doesn’t let me get walked all over and I help him to see things as not so black and white.   

So this is what I’d want my children to know about marriage. I’ve lived my life with times when my dad wasn’t home due to traveling for work and I lost my mom to cancer at the age of nineteen, no other person that came into our lives could replace those people for me. I needed my dad for all the things that he was and can’t imagine another woman being able to step in his shoes and fill them in the same way. I can’t even get started on all that my mom was and did for me. For me, moms and dads are so different but both so important. I’m glad my children have the influences of a mom and a dad. I truly believe that this is what God intended for His children, to be raised by both a mother and a father.  Children have to have both a mother and a father to even be conceived, that point cannot be argued.

“Our Heavenly Father endowed His sons and daughters with unique traits especially fitted for their individual responsibilities as they fulfill His plan. To follow His plan requires that you do those things He expects of you as a son or daughter, husband or wife. Those roles are different, but entirely compatible. In the Lord’s plan, it takes two—a man and a woman—to form a whole. Indeed, a husband and wife are not two identical halves, but a wondrous, divinely determined combination of complementary capacities and characteristics.

Marriage allows these different characteristics to come together in oneness—in unity—to bless a husband and wife, their children and grandchildren. For the greatest happiness and productivity in life, both husband and wife are needed. Their efforts interlock and are complementary. Each has individual traits that best fit the role the Lord has defined for happiness as a man or woman. When used as the Lord intends, those capacities allow a married couple to think, act, and rejoice as one—to face challenges together and overcome them as one, to grow in love and understanding, and through temple ordinances to be bound together as one whole, eternally. That is the plan.”  Richard G. Scott Eternal Marriage Student Manual, (2003), 63–72 https://www.lds.org/manual/eternal-marriage-student-manual/differences-inherent-between-men-and-women?lang=eng

I am grateful that our children have both a male and a female influence in their lives.  There are times when they really need their mom and there are times when they really need their dad.  Our marriage blesses not only us, but our children as well.