Debt

In my first marriage I handled all the finances.  My ex husband didn’t want to have anything to do with it.  It was frustrating to try and move money around to different areas to pay for things that were not expected.  I didn’t have a budget per se and found myself in quite a bit of debt after the divorce. 

After being in charge of the finances in my first marriage, I completely washed my hands of it in my second marriage.  I had no problem letting my husband control the money and if I wanted to buy something I would.  I expected that no matter how much money he or I spent, we would have the money that we needed because our paychecks were larger.  He would talk to me about being more careful with our money and I couldn’t understand why.  We made so much more, how could we be running out of money.  He didn’t have a budget and we again ended up in a lot of debt.

Here is my point to all married people or anyone thinking about getting married.  HAVE A BUDGET!!!  Whether you are savers or spenders, or one of each, make sure that you have a budget.  Not having a budget, whether I was in charge or my husband led us to debt, and a lot more debt than we realized.

I was required to put together a budget for a class.  Just sitting down and looking at the numbers, changing a few things and sticking within a budget completely changed our financial situation.  We went from a crazy about of debt to quite a bit of money in savings. 

The stress that my husband was under as he saw our monthly debt continue to increase and trying to move money from one area to another was something I knew all too well from my first marriage.  Marriage is hard enough without having to dig yourself out of a hole of debt.  Not having the money for something that you need or for something your children need is not a good feeling either.

I may have a love/hate relationship with our budget.  Only having a certain amount of money for different items can be frustrating and can leave you with a sense of feeling like you never have enough money.  But seeing your savings account grow, knowing that in case of an emergency you have money to take care of it, and being able to have money set aside for vacations, holidays, birthdays is priceless.  I hate having to stay on top of our money, but love the sense of peace it brings knowing that if we truly need something – the money is there.

Forgiveness

A friend recently told a story about forgiveness in marriage that helped illustrate how it can work sometimes.  She said that over the weekend, she was really annoyed with her husband.  It was Thanksgiving and the holiday didn’t go as she had planned due to some things that her husband had done.  Instead of pushing the feeling away she allowed herself to simply be annoyed with him.  She didn’t want to punish him or make him feel sorry for what he had done but she recognized that it was fine for her to feel annoyed.  She let herself feel the annoyance and then after a time she was able to let it go completely.  I’m not sure if her husband even realized that he had done something to annoy her.  The point is she allowed herself to feel what she was feeling but then recognized that after a few hours or a day, she would let it go and it would be done.

Sometimes we get into the habit of thinking that we can’t feel anything negative.  I know I do this to my children all the time.  It’s okay for me to be grumpy when I am sick, but they better treat their siblings and parents with respect all the time.  That isn’t fair to them, we need to be allowed to feel what we feel.  My friend made a point of saying that she wasn’t trying to exact revenge on her husband and he wasn’t expected to repay her in some way for messing up the weekend, she also didn’t push her feelings aside.  She let herself feel what she needed to feel and then let it go.  That is one way to use forgiveness in a marriage. 

Sometimes when I get upset with my husband, I want to talk about it right then and there.  I want him to understand how he upset me and I want to understand why he would make a choice to do something that I felt was unfair or disrespectful.  I’m starting to learn that sometimes people just make mistakes, sometimes we all say things we shouldn’t, sometimes it isn’t the huge deal I am making it out to be.  The truth is sometimes he is in a bad mood, just like sometimes I am in a bad mood. 

Forgiveness in marriage is to recognize that to error is human.  That doesn’t mean you can’t ever feel annoyed or hurt or that every problem you have shouldn’t be addressed and talked about, but maybe you should talk about things when you aren’t angry, give it an hour without stewing on the problem, something I still need to work on, try to see things from their point of view, feel what you need to feel on your own when you can, and then let it go.

Let's Talk About Sex...

My parents were terrified of the word sex! I grew up in a home where it wasn’t really appropriate to show affection to each other or to ever talk about something as sinful as sex. I think my parents were trying to instill the sacredness of sexual intimacy, which should be commended, however, not talking about it created some real issues for me and probably my siblings.

For one I felt a sense of curiosity about sex and didn’t have a good place to go for answers. Being the independent person that I was and still am, I looked for the answers to my questions in a fairly reliable but not great source. I turned to my neighbors Encyclopedia. I am showing my age here because I would be willing to guess that many younger than me have never even heard of an Encyclopedia – that is until they see the Friends rerun where Joey purchases the volume V. At least I am able to show my age and thankfully my inquiry didn’t turn to the Internet where I would have found potentially a lot more than just an answer to what sex was.

The second thing it did was instill a feeling of grossness about sexual intimacy. My parents weren’t there to talk about the good aspects of sex, the beautiful parts of sharing something so deeply with only one other person. I felt dirty after I got married. I didn’t understand how something so nasty and disgusting could suddenly turn great and okay after just simply saying “I do.” I had a hard time talking to my spouse about my feelings and didn’t feel that we should talk about sex.

In The Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage by Brent A. Barlow he counsels that “talking about this intimate relationship – including the emotional feelings that attend it – can go a long way in strengthening a marriage.”

Please parents – talk to your kids about sex! We live in an age where they will find the answers to their questions and not as innocently as I did. The encyclopedia was pretty medical about the whole thing. Help your children know that it’s okay and something that they should talk about with their parents, and their spouse. I want my children to know that any question they have can be brought to me. I want them to know that I won’t be uncomfortable talking to them about it and will answer their questions as honestly as I know how.

My seven-year-old daughter asked me how a baby gets into the mommy’s tummy before heading off to school one morning. While this would have petrified my own mother I was grateful for the belief that children’s questions should be answered honestly, without embarrassment and should be appropriate for their age. We talked about eggs, sperm, and cells dividing to make a human. She didn’t have any other questions and when recounting the story that night said she didn’t even really remember what I had told her. But hopefully she remembers that we as her parents are the ones to turn to when needing answers to questions about sex and intimacy.

The Grass May Be Greener

The saying “the grass is always greener on the other side” is a fairly common saying. I would venture that almost everyone has heard it used in one context or another, whether it be about a job, a move, or even a marriage. Marriage is hard; I keep saying that and it keeps remaining true. It seems that every facet of marriage I study that is the one common that remains - marriage is hard. I think sometimes we fall into the trap of thinking that we married the wrong person, and that a new person would provide us with a greener lawn.

However, in Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, Goddard says “On average, it takes two years for couples to realize that their marital differences will stubbornly remain a part of their relationship. After that “honeymoon” with one spouse, we can divorce, marry someone new, and enjoy a new honeymoon – for a short time. Inevitably we will find a new set of problems with a new partner. Rather than hitchhiking down the marital road, God invites us to stop, make a commitment, and cultivate our aptitude for appreciation.”

Back to the greener lawn analogy, when we look at someone else’s lawn, we may find a lawn that is perfectly green with no weeds. What we don’t always think about is the work that goes into making the lawn look so nice. Lawns left without water, weeding, fertilizer, and mowing are not lush and green. The same is true with relationships. You get out of it what you are willing to put into it.

Goddard says this as well “It is my view that most of us have misunderstood the purpose of marriage. It is not a picnic with friends. It is more like a college education with occasional joys, lots of growth, and abundant homework.” Some, not all, but definitely some of us grow up with the idea that you say your I Do’s and then bam – happily ever after – as long as you found your soul mate. I used to think this was more common among females but maybe not. I was recently watching a show with my daughter called Married At First Sight, three couples get matched together by a team of experts and then get married. The first time they see each other is when the bride is walking down the isle. One of the men on the show expressed his lack of desire to remain in his marriage because it was hard work. He felt that since experts had matched him they shouldn’t have to work on their relationship. My daughter and I both had a good chuckle at his expense. Of course relationships take work. I know that I was supposed to marry my husband, that is something I can never doubt, but that doesn’t mean our marriage is going to be smooth sailing. We have to work on it.

Goddard explains that most couples enjoy about 80% of their spouse’s traits. That leaves 20% that we find really bothersome. He says you can choose to focus on that 20% and destroy your marriage or focus on the 80% and find true happiness. How do we do that though? How do we get ourselves to focus on the 80% and ignore the 20%? Charity! Marvin J. Ashton said “Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down.”

There will be things about our spouses that we may not like, ignore them. Just as we know about our own faults and shortcomings and hope that our spouses don’t keep bringing them up to us. Look for the good, find things about your spouse that you can be grateful for. And remember that the grass might look greener on the other side, but it’s still just as hard to mow.

I Have A Temper Problem

Have you ever looked at how you treat guests? For the first ten years of our marriage, my husband’s office was in our home. We never had to have business people over for dinner. If they ever happened to come to town, we would take them to a restaurant and leave our children at home. Well a move across the country changed that pretty quickly and we entertain in our home frequently. We pull out all the stops for guests, the nice dishes, cloth napkins instead of paper towels, I stress over what to prepare, and we always end with dessert. Everyone is also expected to be on his or her best behavior; you can’t burp at the table when guests are over. You would think that since I have all girls burping at the table wouldn’t be an issue, but surprisingly it is. So here’s the thing – I don’t love our guests. I may like them, I may enjoy their company, but I certainly don’t love them, not the way I love my family. We had guests a while ago, and one of them spilled fruit juice on our brand new dining room rug. Now if this had been one of my kids, you can bet that I wouldn’t have shrugged it off as no big deal and told them not to worry about it. That treatment was saved for the guest. Of course we should treat our guests nicely, they have been invited into our homes. But haven’t we invited our children and our spouses into our homes as well? We obviously can control our anger and emotions; we do it when people are watching, why not for our families? 

I have seven-year-old twins. Most twins seem to share a bond that is stronger than a normal sibling bond. My twins are no exception. They love each other and spend almost every day in each other’s company. They play together, are in the same class at school, and share a bedroom. All that togetherness comes with its benefits and drawbacks, they love each other, they adore each other, and they fight with each other. One day they were upstairs doing something and I hear one of them start to cry. Her twin sister instantly exclaims, “it’s not my fault, I have a temper problem!” We all burst out laughing because of course that’s not true. She still got in trouble for hurting her sister even if she felt it wasn’t her fault. But how many times have I “lost my temper” and thought it’s not my fault, you made me lose my temper?  Too often I'm afraid!

But if I can control my anger when people are watching, then I can control my anger all the time. Would our marriages and our homes be happier places if we treated our family as well as we treated our guests? Doesn’t my family deserve to be treated better than a guest? In Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, “Goddard challenges you to try a 30-day experiment. For 30 days are you willing to show nothing but kindness and appreciation to your partner? Are you willing to set aside complaints and disappointments and see the good intentions and best efforts in your partner?” Don’t our families, not just our partners deserve that for one month?  November is the perfect month to start our appreciation project as we focus on all the things we have to be grateful for.  

Pride Cometh Before the Divorce

Oh how tender our hearts are! It seems like we feel this overwhelming urge to protect those little hearts of ours. We can’t love more than we feel loved and if we love a bit less, even better. We want to hurt before we get hurt and if we do get hurt, then our hearts won’t be healed until we hurt right back. I hope this is something that others struggle with and not just me! 

While we may dream and hope and desire for that love of romance movies and love songs, the kind of love that no matter what we do they will forgive us, they will never let us go, or will never get over us and will always want us back. Are we willing to love that way in return? Are we willing to completely turn our hearts over to another? I would bet that not many of us could say that they can. Why? Pride!

Pride is a mean monster! I can’t think of one argument I’ve had with my husband that didn’t start with pride. In Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, Goddard explains how we use pride to destroy our marriages. “We define the problem-whatever it is-in terms of our partner. And we tell the story to ourselves in ways that suggest we were earnestly and innocently going about life when our partners hurt us. We are innocent. They are guilty. Our narrow focus keeps us from noticing our own gaps in knowledge, our personal failings as well as the good qualities and good intentions of our partners. So we enter battle prepared to whack off the offending behavior and traits in our partners. But our partners respond to the attacks with counter-offensives. The story our partners tell is very different from ours-filled with their innocence and our errors. We respond with indignation and fury. The battle is on.” I know that I’m not a horrible person that goes around doing things just to make my husband mad. But do I sometimes think he did that just because he knows it bothers me? Yep. Even though realistically I know that my husband is not that kind of person. My pride gets in the way, my feelings get hurt and my view narrows.

I can see two area’s where I struggle with pride – I’m sure my husband could think of many more. One – sometimes I think we feel like once we get married, we are no longer responsible for our own happiness. Our spouse is now responsible. It’s funny that it doesn’t seem to go both ways though – I think my spouse is responsible for his own choices and can control his own moods, yet feel that he is also responsible for my happiness too. Wow, had I laid that out before we got married, I’m not sure he would have signed up for that. I think I would have been left waiting at the alter.

Two – we feel that we can change our spouse. I really liked this quote from Goddard “The natural man is inclined to love himself and fix others. God has asked us to do the opposite. We are to fix ourselves by repenting, and to love others.” Anyone who has been around toddlers long enough will know that you really can’t force someone else to do something they don’t want to do. No amount of arguing, crying, yelling, or pleading will force our spouses to change. Our spouses will change when they have the desire to change or fix some weakness that they see in themselves.

Why is it that many people who get divorced and then get remarried end up divorced again? I don’t know for sure, but maybe it’s because we didn’t change. Maybe it’s because we are still doing the same things, but expecting different results with a different person. Would we have stronger marriages if we cared less about marrying the perfect person and cared more about becoming the perfect person? I think so! But to do that, we have to let go of pride.