The saying “the grass is always greener
on the other side” is a fairly common saying. I would venture that almost
everyone has heard it used in one context or another, whether it be about a
job, a move, or even a marriage. Marriage is hard; I keep saying that and it
keeps remaining true. It seems that every facet of marriage I study that is the
one common that remains - marriage is hard. I think sometimes we fall into the
trap of thinking that we married the wrong person, and that a new person would
provide us with a greener lawn.
However, in Drawing Heaven Into
Your Marriage, Goddard says “On average, it takes two years for couples to
realize that their marital differences will stubbornly remain a part of their
relationship. After that “honeymoon” with one spouse, we can divorce, marry
someone new, and enjoy a new honeymoon – for a short time. Inevitably we will
find a new set of problems with a new partner. Rather than hitchhiking down the
marital road, God invites us to stop, make a commitment, and cultivate our
aptitude for appreciation.”
Back to the greener lawn analogy,
when we look at someone else’s lawn, we may find a lawn that is perfectly green
with no weeds. What we don’t always think about is the work that goes into
making the lawn look so nice. Lawns left without water, weeding, fertilizer,
and mowing are not lush and green. The same is true with relationships. You get
out of it what you are willing to put into it.
Goddard says this as well “It is my
view that most of us have misunderstood the purpose of marriage. It is not a
picnic with friends. It is more like a college education with occasional joys,
lots of growth, and abundant homework.” Some, not all, but definitely some of
us grow up with the idea that you say your I Do’s and then bam – happily ever
after – as long as you found your soul mate. I used to think this was more
common among females but maybe not. I was recently watching a show with my
daughter called Married At First Sight, three couples get matched
together by a team of experts and then get married. The first time they see
each other is when the bride is walking down the isle. One of the men on the
show expressed his lack of desire to remain in his marriage because it was hard
work. He felt that since experts had matched him they shouldn’t have to work on
their relationship. My daughter and I both had a good chuckle at his expense.
Of course relationships take work. I know that I was supposed to marry my
husband, that is something I can never doubt, but that doesn’t mean our
marriage is going to be smooth sailing. We have to work on it.
Goddard explains that most couples
enjoy about 80% of their spouse’s traits. That leaves 20% that we find really
bothersome. He says you can choose to focus on that 20% and destroy your
marriage or focus on the 80% and find true happiness. How do we do that though?
How do we get ourselves to focus on the 80% and ignore the 20%? Charity! Marvin
J. Ashton said “Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each
other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each
other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone’s
differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has
let us down.”
There will be things about our
spouses that we may not like, ignore them. Just as we know about our own faults
and shortcomings and hope that our spouses don’t keep bringing them up to us.
Look for the good, find things about your spouse that you can be grateful for.
And remember that the grass might look greener on the other side, but it’s
still just as hard to mow.
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