Contempt

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, marriage is hard. There is no such thing as happily ever after. Yes you should marry your best friend, but you have to work on not becoming enemies. 

In my last post, I talked about the four horsemen, one of which was contempt. I wasn’t entirely sure I knew what contempt was and if I had been asked a week ago I would have said I didn’t use it. First what is it? According to John Gottman in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, “Contempt is sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye rolling, mockery, and hostile humor.” After reading through this list, I’m embarrassed to admit that I definitely use contempt when I’m in an argument.   I’m fairly certain that I perfected the eye-roll at about the age of three and I am extremely sarcastic. In fact as I’m writing this post I can think of specific times during my last argument that I rolled my eyes and was very sarcastic. Looking at this list, makes me feel a bit like a toddler having a temper tantrum because I didn’t get my way, or felt like my voice wasn't being heard.

I’m fairly certain that I’m not alone in employing these tactics in an argument. So what do we do to fix feeling like this and treating those we love with contempt? Gottman offers this advice, “People who are happily married like each other. If they didn’t, they wouldn’t be happily married. Fondness and admiration can be fragile unless you remain aware of how crucial they are to the friendship that is at the core of any good marriage. By simply reminding yourself of your spouse’s positive qualities – even as you grapple with each other’s flaws – you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating. If you maintain a sense of respect for your spouse, you are less likely to act disgusted with him or her when you disagree.”

I have this one friend who consistently drives me crazy. I love her, but she is the type of person that posts the sappiest things about her husband on social media. I’m talking about things like how amazing he is and how great their relationship is because he left a heart for her drawn in the peanut butter, with picture attached of said heart. Or she will post pictures of the love notes they leave for each other around the house, or how excited he was when she surprised him at work with four kids in tow to have a picnic. It drove me crazy because I know that isn’t the whole truth. I know that there are times when her husband isn’t “just the most perfect person in the world.” Reading about the antidote for contempt made me feel a bit sheepish. Yes those posts drive me crazy because I want to wallow in the misery that marriage sometimes is together, I want people to be real with me, and I know that a heart in the peanut butter does not a perfect person make. But, that being said, she’s right. She can choose to focus on his bad breath in the morning, or the fact that he woke her up from a deep sleep getting ready for work, or that he can somehow sleep through a screaming baby completely oblivious to the fact that a human he helped create needs something. She doesn’t though. She chooses to focus on the positive things they do for each other. She chooses to build her relationship instead of nitpick and criticize it to literal death. 

I can’t guarantee that I’ll start posting sappy things about my husband on social media; in fact I can pretty much guarantee that I won’t. But I can improve when it comes to what I think about him. I heard a quote from President Uchtdorf a while back and he said “you would never get mad at a toddler for falling when he is learning to walk.” Aren’t we all like that in a way? Marriage is a training ground and it’s something that we are still learning together. We are toddlers and we will mess up. I think sometimes we are so quick to excuse our own faults because we know we are still learning, but maybe we could be a bit quicker to excuse faults in others. Let’s work on looking for the good in each other and work a little harder on not acting like toddlers. I know I can be better!