To say that times have changed in
regards to marriage over the years is a vast understatement. More and more
people are choosing not to get married at all.
Women are becoming more and more
independent. Gone are the days when a woman was expected to get married, stay
home, and raise children. Women are not only encouraged to work to support
themselves, it is expected. As a stay at home mom, I find myself embarrassed at
times when asked, “what do you do?” I dread skipping over the employment
section of the many forms I’m asked to fill out. I see the look in the
workingwoman’s eyes as she reads that I am “unemployed.” Fifty years ago I
would have been the norm, not the exception. In some ways, I understand where
they are coming from, washing dishes and cleaning the house is not the most
fulfilling job in the world. I’ve found myself asking if I would be happier
working outside the home. The answer? Probably not. Sure there are benefits to
getting a job, who wouldn’t want to increase their monthly income? I am two
years into all my children attending school full time and I crave adult
interaction. I know that I am capable of holding a job, I miss excelling at
something, and I miss leaving my job knowing I had done my job well and feeling
that sense of accomplishment.
I’ve thought about getting a job,
I’ve discussed it with my husband. It always comes back to two things, I don’t
want my kids coming home to an empty house, or what if they need me? It just so
happened this year that I had something on my children’s first day of school
and I wouldn’t be there when they got home. My kids were upset! They wanted me
to be there, they wanted to tell me about their first day, they wanted to just
know that I was there when they got home. I know how they felt. My mom was the
first person that my siblings and I wanted to see when we got home from school.
I didn’t always need to talk to her, but I liked knowing that she was there.
What if one of my kids gets sick and needs to come home? We just moved to an
area without the support of family around. I don’t have that safety net of
people ready to step in for me yet. What about summer? What about days off of
school? I have great kids who are really willing to help, but babysit all
summer? That’s not really fair to them, they didn’t decide to have children, I
did. So then do I hire a sitter? Doesn’t that mean I’m now just working to pay
someone else to make memories with my children?
More and more children have
witnessed their parent’s divorce. The divorce rate has increased dramatically
since the 1960’s. The problem with the increase in the divorce rate is that it
is now accepted. If you and your spouse aren’t getting along, you must be
married to the wrong person and you should get out. Take your chances on the
next girl or guy that comes along. Divorce is hard, I know from experience.
That year was one of the hardest of my life and if you think that divorce is
going to solve the problem, it probably won’t. In my case at least, the
problems are still there, just the opportunity to work through them is a lot
harder. I’ve seen the impact it has on my daughter and her relationship with
her dad. She worries about things she shouldn’t have to worry about. Just this
week she asked if she gets married in the LDS Temple if someone walks her down
the isle and which dad can she or should she ask to do that. She worries about
her dad and I being in the same room and tries to avoid us being together
because it’s uncomfortable for her. These are things I wish my daughter didn’t
have to deal with. Her parent’s choices have put her in this situation and
she’s the one paying the highest price.
With so many children being witness
to their parent’s marriages dissolving more and more people are just choosing
not to marry. Divorce is expensive, it’s a lot of anger, it’s a lot of feelings
hurt, in most cases. Children of divorce don’t want to put their children
through that so why get married in the first place? Just have fun, date a lot
of people, live with different people, and don’t get too attached. Most are
even deciding that with a career, they don’t need or want children. Children
are hard, messy, and very expensive. I was pregnant with my first child and a
friend of mine just had her daughter. She told me “I love her so much, but
sometimes I just want to throw her out the window.” I’m sure she was
embarrassed after seeing the look of pure horror on my face! Fast forward two
months to when I was dealing with my own child and I understood where she was
coming from. Neither of us would ever hurt our children, but raising kids isn’t
the fairy tale we thought it would be.
Marriage isn’t a fairy tale either
for that matter. I got married, got divorced, and got remarried. The grass
might be greener on this side but it’s just as hard to mow. Marriage is work. I
still have things that I have to work through with my husband. There are times
we fight and argue, my feelings get hurt, and his feelings get hurt. We aren’t
perfect people in a perfect marriage. I still love being married to him and
even though it isn’t easy, I wouldn’t change it. Before my own divorce I had a
pretty lackadaisical view of divorce – if it’s not working, get out. Now when I
hear that friends are contemplating divorce, it just makes me sad. It’s so
hypocritical for me, a divorcee, to tell them to work it out and yet not at the
same time. I know what going through a divorce looks and feels like, and you
should do everything you can to work it out. I wouldn’t wish divorce on my
worse enemy. I also wouldn’t wish singlehood on my worst enemy. I’ve done that
too. I like having someone else I can discuss ideas with, that will help me
make life-altering decisions, that will help me get through the bad times.
We’ve been through things that could and would have torn our marriage apart if
we’d let it, but we’ve come out stronger on the other side. Marriage is and
should be a team effort. If you feel like you and your spouse are on opposing
teams, it’s time to work on some things. The reality is, you probably have the
same goals, talk about what you want out of the marriage and how to get there
together.
I want my kids to know that we love
each other, that we cherish each other, and that we want to work though
whatever comes our way – together. I love that I never feel alone in my
problems, that my husband knows all my deepest, darkest secrets, and loves me
in spite of my imperfections. I love that my children don’t wonder if we will
still be together next week, next month, or next year. They see our commitment
to each other and want that commitment themselves. They all love the idea of
marriage. I love marriage!
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